A Wake Up Call From Anorexia
I really need to touch on this subject.
Do you remember being ambitious? Being excited and eager to start growing up when you were young? All the days you spent imagining yourself going to your dream school and getting the job you hoped for by the end of it? The rush of energy you felt when you left the gym after a fun and killer workout to mindlessly continue your day, or the taste of your mom’s homemade chocolate cake, that you always went in for seconds for?
You probably might, but, when was the last time you felt true happiness from all of that? When was the last time didn’t feel overwhelmed to even go to the gym, or the last time you reached for a second for a piece of chocolate cake… or even one piece to start? Where did that spark go, to be excited for your future and goals you had when you were younger? When was the last time waking up in the morning didn’t cause you to feel anxious to start your day?
ASK YOURSELF: Has your eating disorder/anorexia completely altered who you are?
The answer? I don’t have one. But, stop convincing yourself your ‘too sick’ to tackle your life, to tackle your recovery and to reach the goals that still lightly linger in the back of your mind. Your goals, ambitions, aspirations… ALL of these things, are still there in you.
HOW I FELT
I experienced times of feeling emotionless, questioning whether I was depressed or angry, or times when I was not even able to comprehend the state I was in. I felt no hate, no anger, no happiness, no care for anything - not even a bit. This caused me to feel isolated from everything in my life that apparently should matter, but, to me… it didn’t. Aside from this, I lost my motivation… completely. I would get to the gym and become freaked out because numbers and workouts would start spinning around in my head, and thoughts of “did I do enough, should I leave now” rapidly flew threw my mind. I would feel my body pulsing on the daily, my fingers and body eagerly waiting to move because of prolonged starvation. I am hungry, how much longer till I can eat again? Sometimes when I would read things, I’d drift away from the world and stare at one word, unable to find myself until moments later when my phone would beep or someone made a faint noise around me - (Which is one of the reasons I needed to remove myself from school for a bit, I wasn’t learning anything… it was like I forgot how to read). I never felt a sense of relaxation in my body. My body felt as if it were moving at 100000 miles per second - and my mind? Ten times more than that. I saw people, hung around friends and family, yet felt alienated from the world.
So, do you feel like this? That is only half of what I felt.
Do you want to continue to feel like this?
Or, do you want to be working toward your life long goals, simply your happiness, that can only be made possible by focusing on what is important in life? That being, the ambitions and goals you had set for your future. The dream job that will be awarded to you for all of your hard work… maybe that extra slice of cake, WITH ice-cream, and not feeling guilty for doing so.
Is how you look and how you poorly take care of your health going to get you to where you want to be?
So, what are your goals?